Here's one to get a good laugh at: I'm driving down N. La Brea Blvd, on my way to pick up some things at Target (because as you've read in my previous post, I'm not really interested in going back to Wal-Mart anytime soon), when what to my roaming eyes should appear but a miniature sled and eight tiny reindeer? No. Even better than Christmas: Pinks Hotdogs. Pinks has been a Hollywood tradition since it opened in 1939. Probably the most famous hot dog stand in all of Los Angeles, and possibly all of America for that matter, Pinks serves up some of the wildest hot dogs you can imagine. I usually just stick to the basic chili cheese dog: a footlong with homemade Pinks Chili and covered in onions, plus mustard, cheese, and a little T.L.C. Chase it down with a Dr. Browns Root Beer and you've got yourself a great Hollywood lunch (Notice I didn't say healthy necessarily). Anyway, if you're even more adventurous, you can get a variety of stuff, my Mom got a dog with tomatoes, bacon, and something else on it, and my roommate JP (bless his heart, this thing tore him up pretty good later) decided to get the Ozzy Spicy Dog (named after Ozzy Osbourne). Among other things, the Ozzy is comprised of a spicy polish sausage (with the peppers and onions inside the sausage), nacho cheese, American cheese, grilled onions, guacamole, & chopped tomatoes. Yeah... he ate the whole thing. Anyway, the thing about Pinks is the line is always ridiculously long... like around the block. It's usually like a 25 minute wait just to order, and the parking is limited, they have a little guy that works the parking lot as a Pinks Valet attendant, and you give him your keys and he'll move cars around like a giant game of Tetris to squeeze them all in the little Pink's parking lot. It's pretty crazy, but hey, like I said, this place is a Hollywood legend. In fact, the wallpaper of the interior dining area is comprised of autographed 8x10's of all the famous actors who have eaten there over the years... it's pretty cool. They say it's not uncommon to see a limo pull up to the curb and a celebrity step out (or more likely, a celebrities "personal assistant") to order a hot dog at Pinks. So when I drove by I noticed a shocking sight: the line was short... like less than 15 people short (usually it's got at least 50 folks lined up). I pulled over and decided I would have to eat there for lunch.
That's when I noticed the cameras... at least 3 of them, all pointing towards these three women standing in front of Pink's Hotdogs. One of the women was a smaller brunette lady who was dressed sort-of like little orphan Annie, and she was flanked on either side by two giant blonde women. Let me try and explain what I mean by giant: these women were not fat... they were just proportionally larger than any woman I've ever seen. I mean, they still had curves and waists and everything, they were just.... like... freakin Amazon blonde women. Anyway, frankly, I started to have doubts that they were real women (This is LA after all) and I started to stare at their necks for any sign of an Adam's apple, or looked at their hands to see if they looked rough and masculine. Upon closer examination, they did appear to be real women, just really freaky and fake women. Anyway, they're all standing on the corner singing "O Canada" so some reason, and the cameras are eating it up. I'm standing in line behind them with about 12 other people, and I know I'm the background of the shot, wearing a green shirt and dark sunglasses. They filmed some more, and I did my best to sort-of innocently position my blocking so I would be in the frame somewhere behind them, because at this point I had no idea what they were filming and just thought it would be cool to be in the shot. It's the same thing you see in the attitude of the general public when they stand outside the NBC building in New York to be on the today show, everyone clamoring for the camera and their chance to be on TV. So there I am, trying really hard to be in the background of the shot, intently looking out of the corner of my eye to see where the camera is so I can finagle my way into the shot a little. Then one of the PA's (Production Assistants) comes over and taps me on the shoulder, saying: "Can Shannon and her friends hop in front of you in line? We need to film them ordering a hot dog, and the director said if you'll let us do this, we'll cover the cost of your lunch." I naturally agreed, now I would be in the shot AND get a free lunch (take that Adam Smith and your stupid Wealth of Nations economics... saying there's no such thing as a free lunch... bah! I scoff at you today!). Well the giant blondes and their small orphan friend come stand in front of me in line and order their hotdogs, and that's when I got to see just how "real" reality TV is... it's about as real as that miniature sled and eight tiny reindeer I mentioned earlier folks. Seriously, they have to film these women ordering a hot dog three different times from 3 different angles and then once more to get good audio. Reality? How about.... LAME. Anyway, aside from my ranting about reality TV, the PA walks back over to me and gives me a $20 bill. They don't ask for change, she just smiles and says "enjoy your lunch." Awesome! Now I've made money, because Lord knows I'm not gonna spend more than $20 at a hot dog stand... heck, I'm not even gonna spend more than $10. It's a hot dog stand for crying out loud. I order my chili cheese dog and Dr. Browns root beer and settle down for a comfortable lunch outside at a nice table with a big red Pinks umbrella (not sure why they didn't make the umbrellas pink... but in the interest of my own manliness, I'm glad they did, because I wouldn't want to be spotted sitting under a giant pink umbrella). One of the other PAs saunters over to my table and jokingly asks me if I'm going to eat all of my hot dog. I smile and say yes, then decide this is as good a time as any to find out what they're filming: "Hey, what are you guys shooting here anyways?". He gives me a slight dumbfounded look as if to say "you moron, you don't recognize it?" and then he actually says "Gene Simmon's Family Jewels." I give him a dumbfounded look now, I've never heard of this show before. Before I know it, we've held an entire conversation in a few seconds just by giving each other looks, and he opens his mouth to repeat himself, like perhaps I just misheard his first attempt: "Gene Simmon's Family Jewels man" and I quickly fake an epiphany and nod my head like, "Oh yeah, I totally love that show!" even thought I know nothing about it. Anyway, turns out it comes on A&E, it's one of those shows like "The Osbournes" where America tunes in to watch the dysfunctional lives of a rock star and his family, because naturally America has nothing better to do with it's time than see how the lead singer of KISS raises his kids.
I leave the hotdog stand and decide to swing by the library (at this time we still didn't have internet at our home) and do a little research. And boy was I in for a shock. Turns out this giant blonde woman was Gene Simmon's "partner" (because marriage is soooo 1980 out here in La La Land) and they had been living together long enough to have 2 kids. The woman's name is Shannon Tweed, and you might remember her from such memorable roles as "Indecent Behavior 1, 2, & 3", "Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death", and "Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure". Yep, that's right. Miss Tweed has been an adult film star for most of her life, and was Playboy's playmate of the year back in 1982. So lesson learned... I've been in L.A. for a little less than 2 weeks, and already, I can honestly say that I've shared the screen with a porn star. Not how it sounds of course (because that would not be cool) but yeah... to think I was trying to get in the shot so hard, only to find out it's a lame reality show that follows around an old retired porn actress and her messed up family. Oh well... welcome to Hollywood folks.
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