To My Valentine...

I struggled whether to post this yesterday or not, but decided to go ahead and put this up here anyway.  Let my friends judge me if they want.  I don't care.  I'm not sure who you are, or even if you are.  There are times when I feel that I'm called to a life of singleness, that perhaps the marriage train is just gonna pass me by, they I'll spend my days consumed with other things and never know the fellowship of an earthly helper suited for me.  Part of me actually wants this, since by all accounts it may make certain stages and decisions in life a little easier if I didn't have you and your well-being to worry about.  Truth is I feel more often that the opposite is true; that you do exist, and that's when things get freaky.  I start asking myself if I've even met you yet, what you look like, and how our lives are going to intersect according to God's timing and purposes.  

I'm not the kind of guy who gushes all of his insides out concerning relationships.  I have my views that I express to those who are interested, sure, but I have a deeper level too, a reservoir of feelings and expressions of myself reserved just for you.  One day I'll allow you inside that reservoir, but as I said, I'm not about to talk about some of that stuff here where the world can read it.  That's special and only reserved for you.  

I hope I can be the man I ought to be to win your heart.  In fact, please don't settle for less.  I know it won't be easy, but there are very few times in life that I have found that the right thing to do and the easy thing to do are the same thing.  I'm scared to let you see my faults and weaknesses, even though I'm fully aware that I have them just like everyone else does.  I like to appear like I have all the answers and everything together, so please bare with my stubbornness.  I've still got a lot of growing pains to go through in the area of sacrificial love, to learn to care about someone or something more than myself.  I humbly pray that I can be the man I know I'm called to be Biblically, to be there to serve, to protect, to provide, and to lead you in our relationship.  

I pray for you all the time.  Like I said, I'm not sure if you're someone I already know that I'll eventually discover I've fallen in love with or perhaps you're on the other side of the planet and we've not even met yet.  Regardless, I pray for your purity.  I want you to be attractive to me, and not because of your clothing or body or anything else that draws attention to yourself, but by your reputation and good works as a Godly woman.  I realize that this is a tall order, but I'm swinging for the fences here.  If you're that kind of woman, it will be a long hard road for me to win your heart, I realize that.  But that's the kind of woman that's worth pursuing.  One that doesn't attract the attention she deserves but instead she deflects it back to the source that gave it to her in the first place: the Lord.

As I said, I know I have miles to go before I'm qualified to handle your heart.  In many ways I think I'm wise enough to know that at this point in my life, I'd be a terrible person to handle anyone's heart.  Perhaps that's why I've stayed single my whole life up to now.  Perhaps I'm still punishing myself for the mistakes of my past.  Whatever the case, I know it's only by God's grace that every morning I'm able to wake up and claim that which I know to be true.  I'm not even sure if any of this makes any sense or why you're still reading it.  I guess I'm struggling to put into words what I imagine it will take a lifetime to express to you, both by words and actions.  I fully acknowledge that we're going to have our ups and downs.  I only pray for God to grant me the wisdom and understanding to properly handle those tough situations when they arise, and also to acknowledge the giver of life in those times when the going is good and we are blessed with plenty.  

I truly feel like every day since my salvation has been a gift, and God willing, it will be a gift that I can one day share with you.  For what it's worth, I can promise you that so long as God gives me the strength to do so, I will fight for you and for your love.  

And yet, believe me when I claim that some of the hardest words I'll ever say are "I love you" since by all accounts I can never fully grapple and understand the source of such love, as much as I long to do so.  

I believe in the sovereignty of God, and so until I get more comfortable sharing these kinds of thoughts, I'll just have to keep trusting that He's got all the strings in his hands, and He's weaving a masterful tapestry with our lives.  Will our threads cross soon?  Have they already begun to be woven together?  Are they never destined to intersect?  These are questions for which I do not yet have the answers.  But I know the one who does, and so I will keep my eyes and heart fixed upon Him, in so much as he enables me to do so.  I pray you will too.  May He alone bring us together according to His plans and purposes, for the glory of His name and renown to the ends of the earth... 

With my whole heart, found only in Christ,

Ben